So, I, like so many other people, have recently gone through a heavy and harsh breakup, one that involves abuse and control, not only with myself but my children too and I found it so hard to move forward from that, I sometimes still wonder if my past will ever leave me and my babies alone? But I have learnt a lot from having a bad breakup and not just about life itself, but about myself.
One thing id forgotten about me when I was in a toxic relationship is I forgot how to properly smile, not smiling a real smile for years becomes normality for a person and it’s the most heartbreaking thing I ever went through in this time I also had two babies, my first son and my first daughter, imagine having a child and not being truly happy, its sole wrenching and made me hate myself even more but I knew I couldn’t be truly happy knowing ill be bringing my beautiful new-borns home to misery, instead of open arms. I tore my heart in two. But I couldn’t leave, my babies needed mummy and daddy to be happy, right? Wrong. My first ever mistake was staying for as long as I did, I stayed in a toxic relationship for nearly 5 years. My son was 3 years old and my daughter was 8 months old when I left, when I got the courage to get up and walk away. And in the past 8 months of doing that I’ve started to find myself again and I can finally breathe.
I’ve learnt that I can smile for real, the first time I properly laughed a real laughed I cried so hard because I forgot what that was like and I thank my new partner for that. we were play fighting and I never experienced such a bond grow so fast, we weren’t together at the time, but it was the first real fun I’d had in so long, that when I felt it in my heart, the first giggle I given that was pure in a very long time, I made it official and sealed it with a kiss. Now he’s my rock and I turn to him all the time for support and advice. That first real smile has made a huge difference in my life i never take anything for granted any more and im so optimistic and look for the positives in everything because that makes me smile that real smile even more and i love it.
Its okay to fall in love again, I thought you only get 1 chance at love and I blamed myself for my failed relationship at first but looking back it was never me that shouted or argued or placed my hands on the person that “loved” me. So honestly never give up on love, I’m glad I learnt that lesson pretty quickly after my breakup but i’m glad my new partner never gave up on me no matter how many times i told him that i couldn’t put myself through the heartache again. I even love my kids more and more because I get to bond with them better, I’ve always loved my children but walking on eggshells with children in your arms is not bonding experience. But now I feel free, my children are also benefiting as we can do whatever we like together, they get to go out in to the big world with their mum and learn with me by their side and can do it freely without me being to scared to say something.
I’ve fallen in love with old passions, I had a passion for singing, dancing, and music, specifically the piano but I was never “aloud” to do those things, I always got told I was too fat to do it or that nobody would want a mum tum shaking about on a dance floor, mind you I’m a size 10 in clothing. But now all I listen too is piano, cello, violin music I dance with my partner and my children, it may only be in my home, but I love it, and I always sing to myself because it relaxes me. I was always embarrassed or to scared to show my passions in fount of my ex because he’d tell me it was stupid or embarrassing. But now I don’t care as much, I’m still getting over my fear of preforming playing the piano, not even my closes family members have heard me play properly, but I’m getting there.
I can write, I use to hide my novels all the time from my ex but always wanted them published, unfortunately my work got lost and I had to restart again but now I’m in the process of finishing my first book and I’m looking forward to the world reading my work. It excites me and the fact I have support now makes it so much better and easier to do. It makes me feel free, all the words that i was never aloud to say now open for the whole world to hear excites me and make me nervous (in a good way obvs) it can help but fall in love with writing again.
I’m proud, I may live with grandparents and have 2 children at the age of 21 but I’m still proud I have a good education behind me and I know where I want to go, I’m not afraid to work for what I want either, I’m proud for moving on, for trying to organise my life, I’m proud of being able to dream and not be scared of what people think. I’m proud of my work, I’m proud that I get up in the morning knowing I’ve got to face the day. but most of all im proud i got out and started fresh, i could still be wallowing away in a dark place being controlled but im not im out breathing fresh air and my life is filled with excitement and i’m proud of who i am and what i’ve become.
I’m still learning a lot about myself but the best things take time and I know its easy for people to forget who they are when they’re being told something else for years, or have they’re identity beaten out of them but when your free and you find out who you are its truly freeing and it brings me to the last thing I’ve found out about the real me, I can be happy. I always thought I had to put my family’s happiness before mine, and families don’t work that way. They keep each other happy and hold each other up, and mine wasn’t doing that so everyone else seemed happy except me, my friends would tell me I look poorly, I was constantly tired and really ill. But being happy actually made me better I had colour in my skin, more energy, and more motivation.
Remember there’s always support out their and if you are experiencing abuse of any kind, seek help, I wish I got out sooner, but I’m happy now so please tell a friend or a family member, tell your doctor but the best thing you can do is get out. Pack a bag leave in the night if you must, when you get sent to the shop don’t go back, remember people love you and what you to smile that real smile and they’ll help you achieve that.